Gettysburg: Three Up, Three Down.

Okay, I admit it. In anticipation of the coming season I got in one of those rare moods where I want to sit down and watch the movie Gettysburg. You can only read, surf web forums, and dream about your next gear purchase so much before you find yourself wanting to just sit back and watch the war unfold on the small screen. So, just like we used to do in the Army at the end of every After Action Review (AAR), I offer my three up and three down for Ron Maxwell’s Civil War drama.

Three Up:

1. Robert E. Lee disciplining J.E.B. Stuart. Although we will never know what Lee really said to Stuart the evening of July 2nd, this representation of it is simply magnificent. It is easy to picture Lee in such a way based on what we know of him today. And whatever was said, Stuart never let it happen again and it possibly contributed to his death at Yellow Tavern almost a year later.

2. Pickett’s Charge. The cannonade, Armistead and Pickett inspiring their troops, and the rows of Johnnies stepping off into oblivion—enough said.

3. Sam Elliot as General John Buford. As a Kentuckian I am a bit biased towards this Kentucky-born cavalryman and his contribution to the battle. But I am sure Sam Elliot was created for this role—and that of the stranger in The Big Lebowski of course.

Three Down:

1. The beards. James Longstreet looks like he’s wearing the remains of a small mammal and J.E.B. Stuart looks simply clownish. I am sure they could have done a lot better had someone convinced Ted Turner to invest a little more money on hair and makeup and a little less on his under-achieving Braves.

2. Lewis Armistead and Winfield Scott Hancock professing their love for each other. We get it already.

3. Buster Kilrain. I can overlook an enlisted man taking such liberties with his regimental commander—they were state volunteers and not Regulars after all. However, I still find his one-man defense of Little Round Top a bit much. Where the heck is that sharpshooter who took out John Reynolds when you need him?

There you have it, my three good and three bad for the movie Gettysburg. I am too cheap to buy Ken Burns’ Civil War. I have seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off too often to stomach Glory more than once in a blue moon. And I would rather drop a cannon ball on my genitals than sit through Gods and Generals again. Sometimes you just need your Civil War fix. It is a good but not great movie about the Civil War’s greatest battle. And like Roger Ebert said when he reviewed Top Gun, the good parts are so good and the bad parts are so relentless. But sometimes addicts have to settle.